random thoughts

Sometimes I can look at my watch 3 times in a row... and still not know what time it is.

Don't assume intentional malice for what unintended stupidity can explain.

The true art of conversation is not only knowing when to say the right thing at the right time... but also when to not say the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

If you believe there is good in everybody... then you haven't met everybody.

The simplest and fastest way to find something you think you lost... is to buy a replacement.

I believe the freezer deserves to have a light too.

I wonder if policemen get frustrated by the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

It really bugs me when I want to read a news story on Yahoo and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

I just can't figure out why my wife seems to always have trouble finding her cell phone when it starts ringing in her purse... but when the alarm clock goes off at six in the morning, she can wake from a dead sleep, reach over me, and hit the snooze button on the alarm clock from the other side of the bed in under two seconds with her eyes closed on the first attempt every time...

I store some people's numbers in my cell phone just so that I know not to answer when they try calling.

The main reason for giving a child a middle name is so that he or she can tell when they're in really big trouble.

Shouldn't it called Unplanned Parenthood?

I think Kay Jewelers got it wrong. I'm pretty darn sure that on any random Friday or Saturday night, more kisses begin with Bud than with Kay.

I like all of the songs I have on my iPod... except when I put it on random shuffle. Then I like about one in every ten songs.

I hate leaving my house all dressed up and dapper... and then not seeing anyone important all day. What a waste of effort.

I hate it when I miss a picking up and receiving a call by just one ring (Hello? Hello? Damn!). But why is it that when I immediately call back, the phone number that just called me now just rings and rings, and then goes to voicemail? What'd they do after I didn't answer my phone? Drop their phone and run away?

I hate being the one stuck holding the TV remote in a room full of people watching the TV. It's just too much pressure. I know what they're thinking. I might like this show and what to watch it, but will people judge me if I keep it on? Does everyone wish I would change the channel? It's probably only a matter of time until everyone looks at me judgingly and then gets up and leaves. Will people hate me after this? Why am I the one stuck with the remote?

"Do not machine wash" and "Do not tumble dry" translates to "This item will never be washed... ever".

I don't know what to do when I try to close MS Word and it asks me if I want to save my changes to my twenty page document... that I'm certain I didn't make any changes to.

There is simply no sensation any worse than the very millisecond when you realize you've leaned your chair back a bit too far... and no matter what you do, you are going to fall over backwards and smack the back of your head.

Can we all please agree to just ignore whatever product comes after DVDs? I really don't want to have to start my movie collection over... again!

You never sure exactly when it will occur, but there usually comes a moment during the typical work day when you realize that the likelihood of accomplishing anything else productive for the rest of the day is essentially zero.

Why do I get so nervous during an ice-breaker when people in the room go in order and introduce themselves with their name and where they are from? I know my name and I know where I'm from. Why do I feel like I might wet my pants?

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo got married and had children, would their children be completely invisible?

Bad decisions may be bad decisions, but they make great stories.

I can't really remember the last time I wasn't at least a slight bit tired.

I refuse to believe there are really people who get in the shower first and THEN turn the water on.

Obituaries would be more interesting if they included an explanation of how the person died.

MapQuest would be better off starting their directions on #5. If you don't know how to get out of your neighborhood, you're never going to make it to your destination anyway.

What would happen if you hired a pair of private investigators... to follow each other?

How many times will you say "What?" before you give up, smile, and nod approvingly, even though you still didn't hear what the person said?

Whenever someone states: "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", what they are really saying is: "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

My friend plays for a baseball team called the StepDads. Because none of the players on the team are actually stepfathers, I asked my friend why the team was named the StepDads. He explained, "Because we beat you, and you hate us."

Even if I'm sure I'm right, I can fill in the same letter more than three times in a row on a Scan-Tron test.

I have a tough time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Why were we forced to learn cursive when we were in elementary school?

The most important job of best friend is to immediately delete your internet browsing history if you die unexpectedly.

I will always try to carry all 12 plastic grocery bags from the car into the house in one trip rather that make 2 trips.

Does anyone know the right way to fold a fitted sheet?

Have you every seen a movie again as an adult that you remember from your childhood as being "the best movie ever"... but as an adult you have to wonder what what the heck the child-version of you was thinking?

Writing would be less dangerous if there was a font for sarcasm.

The letters T and G are located directly above and below each other on the keyboard. This is why you must to be especially careful when you type the word "Regards" at the end of a email.

Can I get a "do over" for all the times I refused to take a nap when I was a kid?

Have you ever caught yourself walking down the street in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of simply turning around and walking back in the direction from where you came, you first do something like check your phone or make a large sweeping gesture and say to yourself to make sure no one around you thinks you're crazy because you are randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

I don't understand why some people feel compelled to say, "I don't have to drink to have fun." OK. No one has to. But why would you start a fire by rubbing two sticks together for hours when someone invented the match?

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story, all I can think about is that I wish they would hurry up and finish so that I can tell them my story that's not only far better than their story, but is also all about me.

Nothing is worse than the instant during an argument that you realize you are wrong.

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randomopolis - a place of randomness where random people reside randomly.

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A few of my favorite deadpan "random thoughts" masters of wit are Yogi Berra, George Carlin, and Steven Wright.

"The future just ain't what it used to be." - Yogi Berra

"You can observe a lot by simply watching." - Yogi Berra

"It sure gets late early out here." - Yogi Berra

"This is like deja vu all over again." - Yogi Berra

"I try to take a two hour nap everyday, from one o'clock to four." - Yogi Berra

"Think of how stupid the average person is. Then realize that half of the population, by definition, is stupider than that." - George Carlin

"If it is really true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d say that the universe aimed low and settled for very little." - George Carlin

"Swimming isn't a sport. Swimming is just a simple way to keep from drowning. Everyone knows that’s common sense!" - George Carlin

"While honesty may be the best policy, it’s important to still remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty must be the second-best policy." - George Carlin

"Babies don't need a vacation, so why do I see them at the beach? It pisses me off! I'm always tempted to go over to a little baby and ask him, 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a single day in your life!'" - Steven Wright

"Are Lipton employees allowed to take coffee breaks?" - Steven Wright

"Do you think that if George Washington was asked for ID, that he just whipped out a quarter?" - Steven Wright

"In the end, it was determined that curiosity killed the cat, but for a while, I think I was a prime suspect." - Steven Wright

"How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink?" - Steven Wright

"If everything appears to be going well, you must have overlooked something." - Steven Wright