Sometimes I can look at my watch 3 times in a row... and still not know
what time it is.
Don't assume intentional malice for what unintended stupidity can explain.
true art of
conversation is not only knowing when to say the right thing at the right time... but also
when to not say the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
If you believe there is good in everybody... then you haven't met everybody.
The simplest and fastest way to find something you think you lost... is to buy a
I believe the freezer deserves to have a light too.
I wonder if policemen get frustrated by the fact that everyone they drive behind
obeys the speed limit.
It really bugs me when I want to read a news story on Yahoo and the link takes me to a
video instead of text.
I just can't figure out why my wife seems to always have
trouble finding her cell phone when it starts
ringing in her purse...
but when the alarm
clock goes off at six in the morning, she can wake from a
dead sleep, reach over me, and hit the snooze button on the alarm clock from the other side of
the bed in under two seconds with her eyes closed on the first
I store some people's numbers in my cell phone just so that I know not to answer
when they try calling.
The main reason for giving a child a middle name is so that he or she can tell when
they're in really big trouble.
Shouldn't it called Unplanned Parenthood?
I think Kay Jewelers got it wrong. I'm pretty darn sure that on any random
Saturday night, more kisses begin with Bud than with Kay.
I like all of the songs I have on my iPod... except when I put it on random shuffle.
Then I like about one in every ten songs.
I hate leaving my house all dressed up and dapper... and then not
seeing anyone important all day. What a waste of effort.
I hate it when I miss a picking up and receiving a call by just one ring
(Hello? Hello? Damn!). But why is it that when I immediately call back, the
phone number that just called me now just rings and rings, and then goes to
voicemail? What'd they do after I didn't answer my phone? Drop their phone
and run away?
I hate being the one stuck holding the TV remote in a room full of people watching
the TV. It's just
too much pressure. I know what they're thinking. I might like this show
and what to watch it, but will people judge me
if I keep it on? Does everyone wish I would change the
channel? It's probably only a
matter of time until everyone looks at me judgingly and then gets up and leaves. Will
people hate me after this? Why am I the one stuck with the remote?
"Do not machine wash" and "Do not tumble dry" translates to "This
item will never be washed... ever".
I don't know what to do when I try to close MS Word and it asks me
if I want to save my changes to my twenty page document... that I'm certain I didn't
make any changes to.
There is simply no sensation any worse than the
very millisecond when you realize you've
leaned your chair back a bit too far... and no matter what you do, you are
going to fall over backwards and smack the back of your head.
Can we all please agree to just ignore whatever product comes after DVDs? I really don't
want to have to start my movie collection over... again!
You never sure exactly when it will occur, but there usually comes a moment
during the typical work day when
you realize that the likelihood of accomplishing anything
else productive for the rest of the day is essentially zero.
Why do I get so nervous during an ice-breaker when people in the room go in
order and introduce themselves with their name and where they are from? I know
my name and I know where I'm from. Why do I feel like I might wet my pants?
If Carmen San Diego and Waldo got married and had children, would their
children be completely
Bad decisions may be bad decisions, but they make great stories.
I can't really remember the last time I wasn't at least a slight bit tired.
I refuse to believe there are really people who get in the shower first and THEN turn
the water on.
Obituaries would be more interesting if they included an explanation of how the person
MapQuest would be better off starting their directions on #5. If you don't
know how to get out of your neighborhood, you're never going to make it to
your destination anyway.
What would happen if you hired a pair of private investigators... to follow each other?
How many times will you say "What?" before you give up, smile, and
nod approvingly, even though you still didn't hear what the person said?
Whenever someone states: "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart",
what they are really saying is: "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
My friend plays for a baseball team called the StepDads.
Because none of the players on the team are actually stepfathers, I asked my
friend why the team was named the StepDads. He explained, "Because we beat you, and you
Even if I'm sure I'm right, I can fill in the same letter more than three
times in a row on a Scan-Tron test.
I have a tough time deciphering the fine line between boredom and
Why were we forced to learn cursive when we were in elementary school?
The most important job of best friend is to immediately delete your internet browsing
history if you die unexpectedly.
I will always try to carry all 12 plastic grocery bags from the car into the
house in one trip rather that
make 2 trips.
Does anyone know the right way to fold a fitted sheet?
Have you every seen a movie again as an adult that you remember from your
childhood as being "the best movie ever"... but as an adult you
have to wonder what what the heck the child-version of you was
Writing would be less dangerous if there was a font for sarcasm.
The letters T and G are located directly above and below each other on the keyboard. This is
why you must to be especially careful when you type the word "Regards" at the end of a
Can I get a "do over" for all the times I refused to take a nap when I was a
Have you ever caught yourself walking down the street in
the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But
instead of simply turning around and walking back in the direction from where
you came, you first do something like check your phone or
make a large sweeping gesture and say to yourself to make sure no one around
you thinks you're crazy because you are randomly switching directions on the
I don't understand why some people feel compelled to say, "I don't have to drink to have fun." OK.
No one has to. But why would you start a fire by rubbing two sticks together for hours
someone invented the match?
More often than not, when someone is telling me a story, all I can think
about is that I wish they would hurry up and finish so that I can tell
them my story that's not only far better than their story, but is also all
Nothing is worse than the instant during an argument that you realize you are
* * * * *
randomopolis - a place of
random people reside randomly.
* * * * *
A few of my favorite deadpan "random thoughts" masters of wit are Yogi Berra,
George Carlin, and Steven Wright.
just ain't what it used to be." - Yogi Berra
observe a lot by simply watching." - Yogi Berra
"It sure gets
late early out here." - Yogi Berra
like deja vu all over
again." - Yogi Berra
to take a two hour
one o'clock to
four." - Yogi Berra
"Think of how
stupid the average person is. Then realize that half of the population, by
definition, is stupider than that." - George Carlin
"If it is
really true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d say that the
universe aimed low and settled for very little." - George Carlin
isn't a sport. Swimming is just a simple way to keep from drowning. Everyone knows
that’s common sense!" - George Carlin
honesty may be the best
important to still
elimination, dishonesty must be the second-best policy." - George Carlin
need a vacation, so why do I see them at the beach? It pisses me off! I'm
always tempted to go over to a little baby and ask him, 'What are you doing
here? You haven't worked a single day in your life!'" - Steven Wright
employees allowed to take coffee breaks?" - Steven Wright
"Do you think
that if George Washington was asked for ID, that he just whipped out a
quarter?" - Steven Wright
end, it was
curiosity killed the cat, but for a
think I was a prime suspect." - Steven Wright
you know when you've run out of
invisible ink?" - Steven Wright
everything appears to be going well, you must have overlooked something." - Steven Wright